Better with your Mates
Even best mates can be better.
With loneliness among men reaching epidemic levels, having a close group of mates is more important than ever. Rain, hail or shine, you can always rely on the boys for a cheeky beer, banter or simply an excuse to watch some sport.
But, despite how close your friendship group can be, the support within it can still be surface-level. The ‘man up and move on’ attitude still rules, so we often go to our mates to escape our feelings, not share them.
Being better can help you drive change among the men you surround yourself with, and it starts by challenging what it means to be a man. It’s not about calling your mates out, it’s calling them in.
When you have the courage to break free from stereotypes and practise equality and respect in everything you do, your mates will follow.
Being better lads.
Men listen to their mates, so that’s where you start. Use the LADS acronym for some simple ways you can have a positive influence on your mates.
Live your respectful values
Let your actions show that you respect women, especially when you’re with your mates. When you show the way, it’s easy for others to follow.
Act to stop violence
When you see violence against a woman, step in rather than stepping back. If you see a mate abusing a woman - whether that’s forcing her to do something, or threatening her, you can help stop it.
Disrupt disrespect
Show you don’t support a mate’s disrespectful comments. Stay silent, or better still, say you don’t agree. It doesn’t have to be a blow-up, just an opportunity to start a conversation.
Speak Up
Good mates respect you more when you speak and stand for something. Your views count, and your actions will make a difference. We tend to forget how much power we actually have to influence the behaviour with a simple, “Nah mate, I don’t agree.” We’re happy to do it with bad takes on TV, sports and fashion choices - so let’s do it with bad takes on women.
Show the way.
Being better isn’t a destination, it’s a journey, and we’re all at different stages. Some of your mates might be starting out, and that’s fine. ‘Better’ always starts with the right intentions. That means not making excuses, but giving leeway to learn and grow. It’s like working out – baby steps eventually lead to big gains.
Every step counts, which is why it’s important to call men in rather than calling them out. When you lead the way, others follow, and it begins by changing how we see and speak about what it means to be a man.
Be a mirror for your mates.
The best way to influence the men around you is to show them what it means to be better. When you set the standard, your mates follow.
- Call it out when you witness disrespectful behaviour towards women in real life or online. You’re mates – so you should be able to honest with each other without breaking the friendship.
- Encourage healthy and respectful relationships among your mates.
- Recognise the signs of technology-facilitated abuse and helping your friends understand them, too.
- Take responsibility for your actions and hold others accountable.
- Be a role model for your mates by practising equality and respect in all aspects of life.
Challenge yourself to think differently.
Don’t let your beliefs limit your potential. Try stepping out of the stereotypes, dropping the tough act and being your genuine self. That way, you’ll be a better friend to your mates – and they can drop the act too. It’s all about challenging the social norms and helping you and your mates to be more openly respectful.
Break out of the ‘Man Box’.
As Aussie men, we’re constantly pressured to think and act a certain way. We’re told things like ‘boys don’t cry’ and that we simply need to ‘man up’ or ‘toughen up’ when we need support.
Not only do these ideas limit our potential, but they also set an impossibly high ideal that no one can ever achieve.
We need to change the expectation of what a modern man is. Stereotypes put us into a box, and for many men, that box does not let them be the full version of who they really are.
Help your mates think outside the Man Box.
You can be better by helping the men around you break free from these pressures. Show them it’s okay to be different. Encourage them to think for themselves, treat women with respect, and build healthy relationships. Ask how they’re doing and share experiences in a way that doesn’t immediately involve taking the piss or trying to compete with other. It’s okay to say what’s inside of you – even if it’s super uncomfortable at first!
Keep scrolling, not controlling.
Technology has made us more connected than ever, but it’s also opened up new avenues for abuse, so it’s important to know how to recognise and prevent it.
If you wouldn’t say or do something offline, you shouldn’t do it online. And the same goes for your mates.
Being better means pulling your mates up when they use technology to stalk, harass or degrade women online, control their girlfriends or threaten women. When you call them in, you’re empowering them to change and helping to stop online abuse, harassment, and stalking.
How do I call out bad behaviour from a mate?
We all need to learn how to have respectful, non-judgemental, and non-threatening chats with our mates. But choosing your moment to speak up and have an honest talk is also important. So how can you get started?
Decide where are when
Find a time and location to talk to your mate without interruptions. This lets you have a focused discussion where you can listen and talk freely.
Use "I" sentences
Use “I” to provide feedback on what you’re noticing with their behaviour, and even how it affects you. “I honestly feel uncomfortable/sad/respect you less when you talk about women that way.”
Be specific
Show your worries with examples. Your mate will comprehend the behaviour and its effects better when you’re super specific. He’ll likely give excuses or dismiss your feelings, which is another opening to explain again what you’re seeing.
Listen to them
Actively listen to your mates answer while delivering feedback. This will help you grasp their viewpoint and let them express themselves, without excusing their behaviour or expecting better in the future.
Support him
You might be telling them that their behaviour is not okay, but letting them know you care about them is still important.
Be patient
Changing behaviour takes time, so support and encourage your mate to make different choices.
None of this is easy, but it’s important for your mate and the women around them to live better lives. Ultimately – you’re trying to help, so it shouldn’t come across as an aggressive attack.
Better you
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